Returning the breast pump

Yesterday I returned the breast pump to the hospital.  It effected me in a way I could have never imagined.  As I got on the elevator I had a feeling of nervousness.  As the doors opened on the third floor and I saw the Labor and Delivery sign I felt sad that I was about to give up the only connection I had left to Valley Hospital.  I had never thought about that before that second but I started to get upset.  I wanted to be there having my baby again and hear the chimes go off.  I started hoping that one of the doctors, maternity/postpartum nurses, NICU nurses would come out so I could say hello.  I wanted Marnie or Jill (our favorite nurses Jackson had) to walk through the double doors and recognize me and ask how Jackson was doing.  I wanted to show them pictures of our little man and thank them!

The clerk came back to me with the receipt for my pump and in a matter or minutes I was back in the elevator pushing the L button to return to my car.  I didn't see anyone I knew, in fact there were a lot of unfamiliar faces.  I stepped into the elevator and began to cry. 

I don't want to go through the omphalocele part again, obviously, but being in labor, having Jackson, seeing his little face for the first time, saying his name, and holding him all swaddled up...YEP, I could do that again...now could Chris?!

The hardest thing I ever had to do...

On Wednesday 10/21/2009 I did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I left my baby in the NICU as I was discharged and told to go home. I cannot explain how I felt that day...how hard it was to say good bye and kiss his head and know that I wouldn't see him again until the next day. Although I was ready to leave the hospital I was NOT ready to leave my baby.

As the days have gone by, it has gotten a little easier. I have learned that I cannot stay there all day because it will drain me and it will be even harder for me to heal if I do not take care of myself. All the same when I have to leave my heart is heavy as I kiss him good bye and tell him that mommy loves him.